I heard eating pineapple chunks make your semen taste sweeter. I tried it, and to be honest, they do. If I'm honest, though I think I'd probably still prefer to eat them on their own. In Own Juices ... hmmm.

I just realised I'm exactly the same age Jesus was when he was 32. Spooky, right?

So I was like all scared of spiders and shit and then my friend said, no, spiders are okay. They eat all the dead insect carcasses and mites and stuff that accumulate on your carpet. Which is great, because that's all I've got in at the moment. If spiders start demanding fresh fruit and vegetables, I'm-a be all like, Oi, spiders, when you chip in with the rent, okay?

I understand the appeal of that Uniform Dating.com 'cos I understand that many women want to feel secure and safe. And what could be safer than dating a guy with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a gun? Nobody that's been a trained killing machine could ever hurt someone, right?

I signed up to Uniform Dating.com 'cos I'm desperate to bang a chick who's worked for Burger King.