There's always a whole bunch of singles released round this time of year, aiming to be Xmas number one. I call this genre-blip 'SproutRock'.

I just saw some guy get the shit beat out of him by a proctologist. Grisly.

Unfortunately, I always objectify my memories. I'm a reifvisionist.

Marxist joke there for you.

I think it'd be very poor if everyone in the club got tipsy. The waitresses would drop your drinks for a start ...

Periodization is dead. Long live post-periodization.

Please note, this is not a mensturation joke. I been gettin' mah learn on.

New Game: Farmville Zimbabwe!

WORD NEWS JUST IN:

Kryptofacists do not come from the planet Krypton. Geiger's Alien does not have a more famous pop-singing sister called Lily Alien. Thermostat is no quicker than a normal thermos.

If Mrs Gary was an actor, she'd be Queefer Sutherland. Of course, Mrs Gary is technically a female. Perhaps Queen LaQueefah would be more appropriate.

I once had sex with Scott Baio. All the way through he made me call him 'Arthur'. I was okay with that until he screamed 'Harder, Marion. Harder!'

Don't ever fuck Scott Baio. Seriously.

I've seen a lot of genre movies recently. Torture-porn. Apocalypse-porn. I still think fucking-porn is my favourite though.

esoteric literary quip #1

I've been busy writing guys. I'm doing a book-to-screen adaptation of the Voynich manuscript.

Mrs Gary & I recently became parents to a newt. Mrs Gary wants to call him Nugent. Nugent the Newt.

I'm very concerned about his diet. He can't get all his newtrition from Cadbury's Fruit & Newt bars, or Newtragrain bars. He needs to be spreading something healthier on his toast than Newtella Chocolate Spread. Because I'm hoping he'll go to a good school. There is one nearby, a good Catholic school. But I want him to learn more than just the Newt Testament. Like Newtonian physics, for a start. Though I do wonder that having him in such a newtorious single sex school will stunt his social growth. I don't want to see him socially newt-erd. But then again I'd hate to see him end up gullibly swallowing every word he reads in the Newt Statesman.

But who am I to worry? I'm a newtoriously bad judge of character.