I'm so dumb I thought Analplasia was a pop star. It's not. That's Shakira.

I like my tattoo joke best. I might get a picture of it tattooed on my tattoo.

My girlfriend is a spa therapist. She specializes in hair removal. Her van is tiny.

Her favourite singer songwriter is Burt Backsackacrack.

a very very very minor point

I should point out that ALL of the content on this blog is entirely original.

Apart from the words, which belong to the English language. I can't claim to have come up with that. But the particular sequence of phonemes into words into phrases into sentences, is all my own doing. Sorry. I should also point out that even though I am a massive geek, only about 50% of my lame 'jokes' are on the internet.

The rest are on floppy disk.

MOMMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT!

*this post substituted for a joke*

It must be weird working for the British National Party. Like, when you apply, do you still have to fill out one of those Equality & Diversity Monitoring forms?

HTC advert

It's the first thing you see in the morning, it's the last thing you see at night. It stresses you out, it calms you down. It helps you remember, it helps you forget. It keeps you connected. It's the only thing you own which is always within arms reach. Which is why you don't need to get a phone ... you've got a penis.

I just invented a tiny replica mouse for kids to play with. I'm gunna call it a 'Wendy Mouse'.

So I'll be asleep and then BOOM! I just wake up, just like that! I call it wakeolepsy.

I smelled your mum's fanny, smelled like a chemistry set had died up there.

Jesus saves, but you should probably still phone for an ambulance too.

the cuticle is that lovely little piece of skin surrounding the finger nailicle.

So I disrobed. Then I thought man, don't hate the robe, hate the game.

Maison D'etre = a reason for staying in

So I wanted to be a bit different from all those dudes who thought it'd be cool to just get the word 'tattoo' tattooed on themselves, so instead I just got a tattoo of a picture of a tattoo.

I'm at the Burger King. I'm at the car-park just outside Burger King. I'm at the combination Burger King car-park just outside Burger King.

I wasn't so sure about anal beads, so I just got anal braids instead.

Dude's so old his hotmail login is just his first name.

Fuckin' Anandashpinaweerani, the old jerk.

Do the BNP have 'casual racism Fridays'?

favourite new euphemism for vagina: 'glory patch'

does it require raking and hoeing?

Jerry Seinfeld is a Scientologist? What's the deal with that, Jerry?

and then there's this ...

Here's something else I wrote relatively recently:

A Confession

Interior, The Kitchen, Day

The kitchen is bright and airy and middle class. Jeff, a husband and father, sits at the kitchen table wearing his car-coat and Christmas sweater. He has been crying. His friend and neighbour, Bill, sits opposite him. Bill looks at Jeff with sympathy and concern.

Jeff: (sobbing mildly) ... and it'd been a long time since we'd been, y'know ... physically intimate ... so when she came in ... dressed like that ... I thought ... I thought she wanted to ... I thought maybe she wanted to again ... you know? ... I thought it was her way of putting the spark back in ... back into things ... you know? ... we used to do things ... like, I'd bathe her ... or rub sensual oils into her soft skin ... or we'd just lie together ... you know? naked ... close ... my arms round her soft warm body ... and I just thought maybe ... she wanted that ... again ... I hoped so much ... and when she came in today, you know? In that naughty uniform ... I just ... but she didn't ... she didn't want me to touch her ...

Jeff sobbing breaks into a heavy crying jag. Bill reaches across the table and puts a hand on Jeff's arm.

Bill: Jeff ... Jeff ... Jeff ... she's your daughter Jeff ... (pause) ... look, maybe Muriel should do the school run from now on.

Just to please Steve ...

So I got tired of writing my sitcom about Jesus. Basically I realized I'd written a tonne of stuff that was just Jesus and John The Baptist shouting inanities at one another - eg, Jesus, upon banging his thumb with a hammer: "Shit, I fucking hate carpentry. Little help?" John: "I'm not Holby City you know." - terrible stuff, truly terrible.

I decided instead to write something 'normal' in a more domestic setting, ripping off bits of real life etc etc ... it's turning out all very How Not To Live or whatever that show is. Sorry! It's basically 'Untitled Almost True Life Sitcom #1'. The central character is basically me, and the many many ways I've found to fuck up etc. Anyway, in this scene, the central characters sister, Maddy, has come over to visit. There's also mention of the central characters girlfriend, Louise. So now you know, put your laughing socks on and read ahead.

Living room. Day.

Gary is off-screen, making a cup of tea in the kitchen. Maddy is pottering about the living room. She noses around Gary's newest item of furniture, a computer desk.

Gary (off screen): Hey? I said …

Gary wanders in to the living room, a tea spoon in his hand. Maddy has just opened a drawer set below the computer desk.

Gary: Have you been going through my stuff?

Maddy doesn't look round. She fishes something out of the open drawer. She looks a little disgusted. We see that she's found a pornographic DVD.

Maddy: Honestly. In the living room?

Gary: …

Maddy: What if I'd have brought the kids?

Gary: Well … I wasn't going to put it on for them. I've got Finding Nemo. Anyway, you … you don't just go through people's stuff like that.

Gary crosses the room to Maddy.

Maddy: You don't keep Interracial Ass Stretchers 3 in your living room either!

Maddy brandishes the DVD case in Gary's face.

Gary: The living room is where the DVD player is!

Maddy: What if I'd brought the kids though?

Gary offers a weak shrug.

Maddy: I'm going to tell Mum.

Gary: Oh fucking do it. She's in it!

Maddy: Oh, I'm definitely going to tell her!

Gary: As if she'd be bothered by half-a-dozen dvds. Dad had way more than that.

Maddy: Urgh! He was married!

Gary: That's probably why he had so much porn.

Maddy reflects, she sees the sense of it. Then she double-takes.

Maddy: Wait, did you say half-a-dozen?

Gary's eyes widen, he is worried. Maddy rummages through the drawer.

Maddy:There's only two here.

Gary joins Maddy is rummaging through the drawer, also opening other drawers. He pulls out three more DVD cases, relieved for a second ... but only a second.

Gary: Shit, where's High School Whores 4?

Gary begins again to rummage in the drawers.

Maddy: Surely that isn't even legal?

Gary spins, turning toward the television set in the corner.

Gary: They're not really ... ah!

Slow pan over to the television. The High School Whores DVD is on top of the television. It can clearly be seen from the window.

Exterior, Front Of Gary's House, Day

Through the window, the High School Whores 4 DVD can clearly be seen. Gary can be seen scuttling over to the DVD case and whisking it away.

Interior, Living Room, Day

Maddy: (sarcastic) Oh, they're not really whores?

Gary: No … it's not like … I told her to put it back where … we only watched it because she's in it.

Maddy: What if I'd brought the kids though ... she? Lou ... really?

Gary nods. Maddy is actually kind of impressed. Gary puts the DVD case back in the drawer and closes it.

Gary: Oh yeah. Two scenes. I didn't want to watch it at first, you know, it's a bit intimidating. Like what if she's you know, more in to it on screen.

Maddy: What if she sounds the same faking it on screen as she does when she's with you?

Gary: Yeah. Or even what if the guys are bigger than me? … But they're not, thank god.

Maddy: Yeah, I don't need to know about yours …

Interior, Living Room, Day

A little later. Both Gary and Maddy are the on settee watching television. Loud pornographic noises can be heard.

Maddy: (tilting her head slightly) Oh I like that tattoo.

Gary: I know, it's nice isn't it.

Maddy: Yeah, ask her where she got it done for me ...

Historically speaking, Hitler was a monster. Prehistorically speaking, velociraptors were monsters.

Posthistorically? Velocihitler.

Oh, and the old blogs, they will have no shoes

and obviously, this - http://taylor-bell.blogspot.com/ & this - http://reneezellweger.livejournal.com/ are like well dead and that innit. Here is where I am, here and on faceface.

So, new blog etc etc

Okay so I just found out I can piss into the toilet whilst technically still being stood in the living room. And if I can achieve that, I can achieve anything!

I want to be the first man to take a piss on the moon. I mean, actually ON the moon. Like, on to it's cheesy surface.

I WILL ACHIEVE!