I like big butts, but sometimes the other monks accuse me of lying.

I like to think of Facebook as being the pornhub of acquaintanceship.

I've been looking up how much you can make doing porn, for a guy. Doing guy on girl pays okay, if you can get it. Doing guy on guy pays better. Okay. Guy on internet though, that pays fuck all.

And you need to get more virus checks, too.

I'm beginning an internet campaign to let me fuck who I want to.

new record breaking porn sensation, Doris McSquirter.

My worst ever sexual experience was this one time when this chick bit me on the hand during sex.

Though to be fair, I was raping her a bit hard.

I panicked last night. I was going down on Mrs Gary, and my tongue got caught in one of her genital piercings. I ended up in a right flap.

On Male Sexual Performance Anxiety

Has any woman ever received a spam email offering to make their vagina smaller? Because maybe that's the problem. I'm not to small. You're too big. Haven't you noticed that most women's vaginas are far more massive than they brag about. "Oh, I've got a tiny vagina me." "Yeah well I've got a microvagdge." "Yeah, well that's nothing. My vagina barely exists, it's like a tiny crease in a linen shirt." When actually we all know that most of them have humongous cavernous vaginas that no-one with our perfectly well shaped, well proportioned penises could fill.

And no, woman, for the record, I didn't come to quick. I'm just punctual. And busy. Perhaps next time you might make the effort to climax more promptly, as I have.

I've been asked to write a prequel to the hit comedy movie Look Who's Talking. It's going to be called Look That's Never Happened To Me Before, No Really, Don't Look At Me Like That I Was Just A Little Nervous.

There's always a whole bunch of singles released round this time of year, aiming to be Xmas number one. I call this genre-blip 'SproutRock'.

I just saw some guy get the shit beat out of him by a proctologist. Grisly.

Unfortunately, I always objectify my memories. I'm a reifvisionist.

Marxist joke there for you.

I think it'd be very poor if everyone in the club got tipsy. The waitresses would drop your drinks for a start ...

Periodization is dead. Long live post-periodization.

Please note, this is not a mensturation joke. I been gettin' mah learn on.

New Game: Farmville Zimbabwe!

WORD NEWS JUST IN:

Kryptofacists do not come from the planet Krypton. Geiger's Alien does not have a more famous pop-singing sister called Lily Alien. Thermostat is no quicker than a normal thermos.

If Mrs Gary was an actor, she'd be Queefer Sutherland. Of course, Mrs Gary is technically a female. Perhaps Queen LaQueefah would be more appropriate.

I once had sex with Scott Baio. All the way through he made me call him 'Arthur'. I was okay with that until he screamed 'Harder, Marion. Harder!'

Don't ever fuck Scott Baio. Seriously.

I've seen a lot of genre movies recently. Torture-porn. Apocalypse-porn. I still think fucking-porn is my favourite though.

esoteric literary quip #1

I've been busy writing guys. I'm doing a book-to-screen adaptation of the Voynich manuscript.

Mrs Gary & I recently became parents to a newt. Mrs Gary wants to call him Nugent. Nugent the Newt.

I'm very concerned about his diet. He can't get all his newtrition from Cadbury's Fruit & Newt bars, or Newtragrain bars. He needs to be spreading something healthier on his toast than Newtella Chocolate Spread. Because I'm hoping he'll go to a good school. There is one nearby, a good Catholic school. But I want him to learn more than just the Newt Testament. Like Newtonian physics, for a start. Though I do wonder that having him in such a newtorious single sex school will stunt his social growth. I don't want to see him socially newt-erd. But then again I'd hate to see him end up gullibly swallowing every word he reads in the Newt Statesman.

But who am I to worry? I'm a newtoriously bad judge of character.

I'm so dumb I thought Analplasia was a pop star. It's not. That's Shakira.

I like my tattoo joke best. I might get a picture of it tattooed on my tattoo.

My girlfriend is a spa therapist. She specializes in hair removal. Her van is tiny.

Her favourite singer songwriter is Burt Backsackacrack.

a very very very minor point

I should point out that ALL of the content on this blog is entirely original.

Apart from the words, which belong to the English language. I can't claim to have come up with that. But the particular sequence of phonemes into words into phrases into sentences, is all my own doing. Sorry. I should also point out that even though I am a massive geek, only about 50% of my lame 'jokes' are on the internet.

The rest are on floppy disk.

MOMMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT!

*this post substituted for a joke*

It must be weird working for the British National Party. Like, when you apply, do you still have to fill out one of those Equality & Diversity Monitoring forms?

HTC advert

It's the first thing you see in the morning, it's the last thing you see at night. It stresses you out, it calms you down. It helps you remember, it helps you forget. It keeps you connected. It's the only thing you own which is always within arms reach. Which is why you don't need to get a phone ... you've got a penis.

I just invented a tiny replica mouse for kids to play with. I'm gunna call it a 'Wendy Mouse'.

So I'll be asleep and then BOOM! I just wake up, just like that! I call it wakeolepsy.

I smelled your mum's fanny, smelled like a chemistry set had died up there.

Jesus saves, but you should probably still phone for an ambulance too.

the cuticle is that lovely little piece of skin surrounding the finger nailicle.

So I disrobed. Then I thought man, don't hate the robe, hate the game.

Maison D'etre = a reason for staying in

So I wanted to be a bit different from all those dudes who thought it'd be cool to just get the word 'tattoo' tattooed on themselves, so instead I just got a tattoo of a picture of a tattoo.

I'm at the Burger King. I'm at the car-park just outside Burger King. I'm at the combination Burger King car-park just outside Burger King.

I wasn't so sure about anal beads, so I just got anal braids instead.

Dude's so old his hotmail login is just his first name.

Fuckin' Anandashpinaweerani, the old jerk.

Do the BNP have 'casual racism Fridays'?

favourite new euphemism for vagina: 'glory patch'

does it require raking and hoeing?

Jerry Seinfeld is a Scientologist? What's the deal with that, Jerry?

and then there's this ...

Here's something else I wrote relatively recently:

A Confession

Interior, The Kitchen, Day

The kitchen is bright and airy and middle class. Jeff, a husband and father, sits at the kitchen table wearing his car-coat and Christmas sweater. He has been crying. His friend and neighbour, Bill, sits opposite him. Bill looks at Jeff with sympathy and concern.

Jeff: (sobbing mildly) ... and it'd been a long time since we'd been, y'know ... physically intimate ... so when she came in ... dressed like that ... I thought ... I thought she wanted to ... I thought maybe she wanted to again ... you know? ... I thought it was her way of putting the spark back in ... back into things ... you know? ... we used to do things ... like, I'd bathe her ... or rub sensual oils into her soft skin ... or we'd just lie together ... you know? naked ... close ... my arms round her soft warm body ... and I just thought maybe ... she wanted that ... again ... I hoped so much ... and when she came in today, you know? In that naughty uniform ... I just ... but she didn't ... she didn't want me to touch her ...

Jeff sobbing breaks into a heavy crying jag. Bill reaches across the table and puts a hand on Jeff's arm.

Bill: Jeff ... Jeff ... Jeff ... she's your daughter Jeff ... (pause) ... look, maybe Muriel should do the school run from now on.

Just to please Steve ...

So I got tired of writing my sitcom about Jesus. Basically I realized I'd written a tonne of stuff that was just Jesus and John The Baptist shouting inanities at one another - eg, Jesus, upon banging his thumb with a hammer: "Shit, I fucking hate carpentry. Little help?" John: "I'm not Holby City you know." - terrible stuff, truly terrible.

I decided instead to write something 'normal' in a more domestic setting, ripping off bits of real life etc etc ... it's turning out all very How Not To Live or whatever that show is. Sorry! It's basically 'Untitled Almost True Life Sitcom #1'. The central character is basically me, and the many many ways I've found to fuck up etc. Anyway, in this scene, the central characters sister, Maddy, has come over to visit. There's also mention of the central characters girlfriend, Louise. So now you know, put your laughing socks on and read ahead.

Living room. Day.

Gary is off-screen, making a cup of tea in the kitchen. Maddy is pottering about the living room. She noses around Gary's newest item of furniture, a computer desk.

Gary (off screen): Hey? I said …

Gary wanders in to the living room, a tea spoon in his hand. Maddy has just opened a drawer set below the computer desk.

Gary: Have you been going through my stuff?

Maddy doesn't look round. She fishes something out of the open drawer. She looks a little disgusted. We see that she's found a pornographic DVD.

Maddy: Honestly. In the living room?

Gary: …

Maddy: What if I'd have brought the kids?

Gary: Well … I wasn't going to put it on for them. I've got Finding Nemo. Anyway, you … you don't just go through people's stuff like that.

Gary crosses the room to Maddy.

Maddy: You don't keep Interracial Ass Stretchers 3 in your living room either!

Maddy brandishes the DVD case in Gary's face.

Gary: The living room is where the DVD player is!

Maddy: What if I'd brought the kids though?

Gary offers a weak shrug.

Maddy: I'm going to tell Mum.

Gary: Oh fucking do it. She's in it!

Maddy: Oh, I'm definitely going to tell her!

Gary: As if she'd be bothered by half-a-dozen dvds. Dad had way more than that.

Maddy: Urgh! He was married!

Gary: That's probably why he had so much porn.

Maddy reflects, she sees the sense of it. Then she double-takes.

Maddy: Wait, did you say half-a-dozen?

Gary's eyes widen, he is worried. Maddy rummages through the drawer.

Maddy:There's only two here.

Gary joins Maddy is rummaging through the drawer, also opening other drawers. He pulls out three more DVD cases, relieved for a second ... but only a second.

Gary: Shit, where's High School Whores 4?

Gary begins again to rummage in the drawers.

Maddy: Surely that isn't even legal?

Gary spins, turning toward the television set in the corner.

Gary: They're not really ... ah!

Slow pan over to the television. The High School Whores DVD is on top of the television. It can clearly be seen from the window.

Exterior, Front Of Gary's House, Day

Through the window, the High School Whores 4 DVD can clearly be seen. Gary can be seen scuttling over to the DVD case and whisking it away.

Interior, Living Room, Day

Maddy: (sarcastic) Oh, they're not really whores?

Gary: No … it's not like … I told her to put it back where … we only watched it because she's in it.

Maddy: What if I'd brought the kids though ... she? Lou ... really?

Gary nods. Maddy is actually kind of impressed. Gary puts the DVD case back in the drawer and closes it.

Gary: Oh yeah. Two scenes. I didn't want to watch it at first, you know, it's a bit intimidating. Like what if she's you know, more in to it on screen.

Maddy: What if she sounds the same faking it on screen as she does when she's with you?

Gary: Yeah. Or even what if the guys are bigger than me? … But they're not, thank god.

Maddy: Yeah, I don't need to know about yours …

Interior, Living Room, Day

A little later. Both Gary and Maddy are the on settee watching television. Loud pornographic noises can be heard.

Maddy: (tilting her head slightly) Oh I like that tattoo.

Gary: I know, it's nice isn't it.

Maddy: Yeah, ask her where she got it done for me ...

Historically speaking, Hitler was a monster. Prehistorically speaking, velociraptors were monsters.

Posthistorically? Velocihitler.

Oh, and the old blogs, they will have no shoes

and obviously, this - http://taylor-bell.blogspot.com/ & this - http://reneezellweger.livejournal.com/ are like well dead and that innit. Here is where I am, here and on faceface.

So, new blog etc etc

Okay so I just found out I can piss into the toilet whilst technically still being stood in the living room. And if I can achieve that, I can achieve anything!

I want to be the first man to take a piss on the moon. I mean, actually ON the moon. Like, on to it's cheesy surface.

I WILL ACHIEVE!