Taybarns describes itself as The Ultimate Experience. Neil Armstrong played golf on the moon. I bet he's gutted he missed the Sunday Carvery.

I saw a show at Spearmint Rhino once, guys. I was really suprised it wasn't all about a peice of chewing gum that could unwrap itself.

I think if my mates got me a stripper for my birthday, like one that comes out from a cake, I'd prefer a massive fat lass, eating her way out, all sweating and covered in crumbs, just, like, falling into a diabetic coma. And then she does a sexy, gyrating fit on the floor.

Because I went out with a stripper once, and man, she was Hella Sexy. Though she did have a massive gash. Seriously. It was like the Grand Canyon ... eight million visitors a year.

OMG I think with these last two posts the woman hate and mysoginy has just melted my brain. Promise to come up with nice jokes tomorrow.

*hates self*

Unsavoury Jokes I Hope I Never Resort Too

Spoiler ahead: Misogyny / Rape (also partially stolen from Cix)

Jees, I got maced in the face once, it was awful, nothing so awful as being maced in the face. Still, silver linings and all that, at least I got sex that day.

No, guys, srsly, rape jokes are just ... well, they're just the worst. I hate that shit. Fucking terrible, woman hating shit. Like when I go the pub and have to listen to guys going on about 'ah well, dressed like that ...' and 'oh acting like a tramp, she deserved it' and all that shit. Guys. Don't just talk about it. Do it.

/Going To Regret That This Came From My Brain

Got me dick wet last night. Yepppppppp ... fell cock first into a puddle.

Friend of mine asked me, what were you doing with your cock out around a puddle? Um. Trying to fuck puddles, obviously.

I heard eating pineapple chunks make your semen taste sweeter. I tried it, and to be honest, they do. If I'm honest, though I think I'd probably still prefer to eat them on their own. In Own Juices ... hmmm.

I just realised I'm exactly the same age Jesus was when he was 32. Spooky, right?

So I was like all scared of spiders and shit and then my friend said, no, spiders are okay. They eat all the dead insect carcasses and mites and stuff that accumulate on your carpet. Which is great, because that's all I've got in at the moment. If spiders start demanding fresh fruit and vegetables, I'm-a be all like, Oi, spiders, when you chip in with the rent, okay?

I understand the appeal of that Uniform Dating.com 'cos I understand that many women want to feel secure and safe. And what could be safer than dating a guy with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a gun? Nobody that's been a trained killing machine could ever hurt someone, right?

I signed up to Uniform Dating.com 'cos I'm desperate to bang a chick who's worked for Burger King.

So I set up this elaborate weekend thing wherein I invited this guy I know to an event that doesn't exist, all so I could spend the weekend riding his missus.

Turns out his missus isn't a horse.

Gutted.

They say that Batman is the world's greatest detective. I notice he's not discovered Bruce Wayne's secret identity though, has he?