Mr Gary

2012-01-27T16:07:00.000-08:00

Taybarns describes itself as The Ultimate Experience. Neil Armstrong played golf on the moon. I bet he's gutted he missed the Sunday Carvery.

2012-01-22T16:26:00.000-08:00

I saw a show at Spearmint Rhino once, guys. I was really suprised it wasn't all about a peice of chewing gum that could unwrap itself.

I think if my mates got me a stripper for my birthday, like one that comes out from a cake, I'd prefer a massive fat lass, eating her way out, all sweating and covered in crumbs, just, like, falling into a diabetic coma. And then she does a sexy, gyrating fit on the floor.

Because I went out with a stripper once, and man, she was Hella Sexy. Though she did have a massive gash. Seriously. It was like the Grand Canyon ... eight million visitors a year.

OMG I think with these last two posts the woman hate and mysoginy has just melted my brain. Promise to come up with nice jokes tomorrow.

*hates self*

Unsavoury Jokes I Hope I Never Resort Too

2012-01-22T16:22:00.000-08:00

Spoiler ahead: Misogyny / Rape (also partially stolen from Cix)

Jees, I got maced in the face once, it was awful, nothing so awful as being maced in the face. Still, silver linings and all that, at least I got sex that day.

No, guys, srsly, rape jokes are just ... well, they're just the worst. I hate that shit. Fucking terrible, woman hating shit. Like when I go the pub and have to listen to guys going on about 'ah well, dressed like that ...' and 'oh acting like a tramp, she deserved it' and all that shit. Guys. Don't just talk about it. Do it.

/Going To Regret That This Came From My Brain

2012-01-13T19:55:00.000-08:00

Got me dick wet last night. Yepppppppp ... fell cock first into a puddle.

Friend of mine asked me, what were you doing with your cock out around a puddle? Um. Trying to fuck puddles, obviously.

2012-01-13T19:45:00.000-08:00

I heard eating pineapple chunks make your semen taste sweeter. I tried it, and to be honest, they do. If I'm honest, though I think I'd probably still prefer to eat them on their own. In Own Juices ... hmmm.

I just realised I'm exactly the same age Jesus was when he was 32. Spooky, right?

So I was like all scared of spiders and shit and then my friend said, no, spiders are okay. They eat all the dead insect carcasses and mites and stuff that accumulate on your carpet. Which is great, because that's all I've got in at the moment. If spiders start demanding fresh fruit and vegetables, I'm-a be all like, Oi, spiders, when you chip in with the rent, okay?

I understand the appeal of that Uniform Dating.com 'cos I understand that many women want to feel secure and safe. And what could be safer than dating a guy with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a gun? Nobody that's been a trained killing machine could ever hurt someone, right?

I signed up to Uniform Dating.com 'cos I'm desperate to bang a chick who's worked for Burger King.

2011-12-12T20:21:00.000-08:00

So I set up this elaborate weekend thing wherein I invited this guy I know to an event that doesn't exist, all so I could spend the weekend riding his missus.

Turns out his missus isn't a horse.

Gutted.

2010-10-29T17:23:00.000-07:00

They say that Batman is the world's greatest detective. I notice he's not discovered Bruce Wayne's secret identity though, has he?

2010-10-27T16:48:00.000-07:00

I've got this joke I like to tell in Wigan.

It begins when I tell how I went to the bookstore and went to look at the Eng ...

Well, first I have to explain what books are.

Now a few people are normally sharp enough to keep up here. They've seen that episode of Hollyoaks where a character reads a book.

For the rest, I need to go into a bit more detail. Like I'm wikipedia.

"No, you know love, you know ... they come on paper?"

Now she thinks I'm talking about some obscure Japanese perversion.

Paper! Like ... remember when you got a bill from United Utilities? Remember that? And you looked at it, and then thought 'fuck this, Last Orders is open?'

Yeah. Paper. So that's the format in which books normally come. No. Not cum. Come. Get your head out the gutter.

Anyway, so I tell this joke in Wigan about how I went to the book shop ... ah fuck it I'd have lost them long before now ... a joke about English literature, in Wigan? Does it end 'Get out, you're Bard?'

Anyway, this joke, it's about books they're like fillums only etched on to treated tree bark and quiet. Well, no, not etched, but Christ I don't know how to explain the phenomenon of laser printing to a Wiganner ...

Anyway, the joke is ... it's not even worth giving it a set-up now. The joke is ... the joke is ... we're in England, in a shop that exclusively sells literature, and, get this, this is the joke, here's the punch line, here it is, it's coming, not long now, thanks for your patience, you've been a wonderful reader, thanks etc, drive careful, visit Moe's, you've been great ... they have a shelf specifically for English literature.

I'm here all week.

No-one else would fucking have me, would they?

2010-09-22T16:31:00.000-07:00

I love the idea of a Stripper emerging from a cake.

I'd love to design a cake that just crumbles inward, slowly collapsing, shrinking & wobbling, minute upon minute, until finally a fat stripper is revealed, face covered in crumbs, a guilty look on her face.

2010-08-31T19:00:00.000-07:00

Wait now for a minute whilst I think of it. It was really funny, this thing I was thinking of. No, wait now a minute whilst I tell you.

No good, it's gone.

But thanks for sticking with me during that exciting time.

Films From The Eighties You Just Can't Find On VHS Anywhere

2010-05-28T16:32:00.000-07:00

#1 in an ungoing series: Latrine Wolf Too

2010-05-07T16:33:00.000-07:00

It appears that my parliament is Hung.

No more shit election jokes from me, I'm a stand-up guy.

An Actual Blog Post

2010-04-23T18:32:00.000-07:00

I was listening to some music, and I began to wonder: if I were asked what my top five live music experiences were, what would I answer? So I asked myself, aloud, 'Hey, you in the scruffy haircut, if you were asked what your top five live music experiences were, what would you answer?!'

And I decided I would answer:

#5 Young Knives, Manchester Academy with Little Sarah - "She's Attracted To"

There are some good reasons for choosing this song. First, Sarah, who is tiny and delicate and fragrant, is also typical of all the bad things about women. She knows when to be pretty, when to be dismissive, and when to be cruel. Precocious, and evil. She also knows how to look after herself.

Yet when she said, just prior to stepping over drunks and broken glass and large men, 'this is the first concert I've been too since my Mum took me to see Blue!' I felt a bit sick in both a good way and a bad way. I was taking her to her first proper concert. And I was responsible for getting her out alive.

She commented frequently on the amount of 'weirdos' and 'freaks' at the show. I pointed out that the proportion of weirdos and freaks was well within acceptable limits. She didn't seem happy, but trusted me to look after her as we forged, beers in hand to the front.

Then the men came on stage and picked up their instruments. Sarah screeched with what I can only assume was relief. Then, the relief was gone, and pure screaming enthusiasm was her only tone. Hysteria crept in ... I watched her eyes, they got red and then purple and her tiny childlike face seemed fit to burst.

The roadies soon walked off.

And then the band came out. I kicked her skinny leg, and cheered them on myself. Sarah got the idea and started to scream and clap herself. A fat bloke, a cheery bloke and a drummer took their positions. The fat bloke, in Joe 90 specs, started to play a fat chugging bass line. I went crazy. The other 1498 people in the crowd went mental. Sarah turned to me a bit confused. I can only imagine it's the look a child gives their parents upon catching them mid-coitus.

And then she started to bounce too. Screaming, wrongly, "She's a tractor too! She's a tractor too!"

I leaned toward her ear and tried to tell her the proper lyric. Not that it mattered. Or that it could be heard. Henry Dartnell had chosen this moment to dive into our sweaty ranks - first song, best song, stage dive.

It's nothing special, nowadays to stage dive, nor is it special to stage dive on the first song. But this did engender a spin of limbs and sweat and beer, something one ought to protect an innocent teen from. Dartnell was flung back upon the stage, and was followed by a half-dozen fans.

Sarah pulled closer to me, feared of the flying limbs. Then, and this made me so proud, she said, "I'm doing that!" and ran toward the ball of muscle flicking sweaty fans up on to the stage. That she turned around and ran back just before they flung her on to the stage doesn't matter to me. Young Knives played their best song first, and Sarah was willing to stage dive her first gig.

"She's a tractor too!" she shouted at me, repeatedly. It was all the best bits of hearing live music, and having kids, and still managing to get the last train back.

2010-04-21T16:30:00.001-07:00

I'd like to lick the Pacific Rim.

2010-04-21T15:48:00.001-07:00

A friend recently pointed out that my Facebook updates are funnier than my blog updates. This, unfortunately for you and me both, is often true. So I include here some of my 'funny' updates.

***

'Our Maddy Hell' say kidnappers tired of reading incorrect guesses in Daily Express.

Hellman's Mayonnaise contains REAL ingredients, but I still prefer that mayonnaise made from purely conceptual ingredients like perfect circles and karma.

Activia Yoghurt now comes in a Handy Little Pot. Yoghurt, in a pot? What a fucking amazing new idea!

***

I'll write out my planned little rant tomorrow, for your dismissing pleasure. Pinky promise!

2010-04-11T13:18:00.000-07:00

Oh Warticon, Oh Warticon!
Where have you gone?
Oh Warticon, Oh Warticon!
Look at my cock & what grows upon!

2010-03-30T17:42:00.000-07:00

I belong to a generation of Britons who understand that DangerMouse is a cartoon character, a DJ, and also a way of flogging faux-faded casual wear in Topman. Of course, there exists a generation who know DangerMouse simply as a DJ and a way of flogging faux-faded casual wear in Topman. And then, sadly, there exist a new, younger generation who only know DangerMouse as a way of flogging faux-faded casual wear in Topman. I call this new generation: The Least DangerMouse Generation.

2010-03-27T17:04:00.000-07:00

Have you done your bit for the Help For Heroes campaign?

I have. I got Aquaman a job on the buses. If you're wondering where the 313 from Skelmersdale is, don't worry. It broke down in Orrell, but a team of dolphins will be pulling it down the bypass any minute now.

2010-03-24T05:10:00.000-07:00

Is studying the works of Euclid. Chiefly, his Eukelele.

2010-03-20T17:51:00.000-07:00

New vid up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6fKiVHU2UQ

Ps, I didn't cry.

2010-03-15T14:39:00.001-07:00

I can't help feeling that 9/11 would have been very different had New Yorkers not killed King Kong beforehand.

2010-03-14T17:17:00.000-07:00

It's a well known fact that the word 'diagonal' comes from the discoverer of such eccentric lines, the famed Greek mathematician Diagon. Less well known, of course, is that Diagon's given name was actually Lysis. Lysis, a Cretan native who lived during the 8th century BCE, only became known as Diagon when, upon his death, he was found to have expired due to an unfortunate combination of diarrhoea and gonorrhea.

2010-03-14T17:14:00.000-07:00

Many many years ago, I was bitten by a rare radioactive woodlouse. Pretty soon I found I had a strange new ability. Upon the uttering of a single, secret, magic word, I could transform from mere mortal man. I became a sturdy, calming, outdoor structure, ideal for fighting crime and also relaxing in the shade on a Sunday afternoon. I became, my friends ... The Human Porch.

2010-03-10T14:51:00.000-08:00

My friend Helen is so gay, she eats out more than Michael Winner.

2010-03-06T15:40:00.000-08:00

This peach is from the ever lovely Mrs Gary, upon her brain smarts being compared to those of Professor Stephen Hawking:

"Yeah, but all he's good for is typing. He can't even stand up."

2010-03-04T15:46:00.000-08:00

Lame Exotic Bird Based Pun, Ahoy!

I once put a parrot in parenthesis. And a comma too.

2010-02-21T03:53:00.000-08:00

Spiderman wasn't that badass. He lived in a friendly neighbourhood, after all.

2010-01-25T10:38:00.000-08:00

pornstar pop provocateur: Lady Gargle
pornstar Brian Butterworth: Peter ShallIFeelHerTits
pornstar front-man fucker: Pantys Kensit
pornstar linguist: Noam Chompsmeat
pornstar record-breaker: Norris McSquirter
pornstar gravel voice: Queefer Sutherland
pornstar desperate housewife: Titty Snatcher
pornstar screen-legend, pasta purveyor: Paul Screwmen
pornstar pop chameleon: David Blowie
pornstar professional Geordie, racist: Cheryl Hole
pornstar US alt.rock band: Les Slavey Fag
pornstar legal drama creator: Dick Wolf*

* yeah, that's how creative I am

2010-01-11T16:43:00.000-08:00

My girlfriend doesn't understand my jokes. She doesn't understand why they're funny.

I think she's more perceptive than she realises.

2010-01-05T17:43:00.000-08:00

You ever go to the pet store and see unicorn food?

And you wonder why there's no fucking unicorns?

2010-01-02T15:27:00.000-08:00

I learnt to enjoy books early on in life. I went through the whole kama sutra in just a few sittings. Though my mum had to help me with the hard bits.

2009-12-31T16:55:00.000-08:00

I like big butts, but sometimes the other monks accuse me of lying.

2009-12-29T19:36:00.000-08:00

I like to think of Facebook as being the pornhub of acquaintanceship.

2009-12-26T22:32:00.000-08:00

I've been looking up how much you can make doing porn, for a guy. Doing guy on girl pays okay, if you can get it. Doing guy on guy pays better. Okay. Guy on internet though, that pays fuck all.

And you need to get more virus checks, too.

2009-12-21T18:24:00.001-08:00

I'm beginning an internet campaign to let me fuck who I want to.

2009-12-21T06:18:00.000-08:00

new record breaking porn sensation, Doris McSquirter.

2009-12-18T09:33:00.003-08:00

My worst ever sexual experience was this one time when this chick bit me on the hand during sex.

Though to be fair, I was raping her a bit hard.

2009-12-07T08:25:00.000-08:00

I panicked last night. I was going down on Mrs Gary, and my tongue got caught in one of her genital piercings. I ended up in a right flap.

On Male Sexual Performance Anxiety

2009-12-07T06:58:00.000-08:00

Has any woman ever received a spam email offering to make their vagina smaller? Because maybe that's the problem. I'm not to small. You're too big. Haven't you noticed that most women's vaginas are far more massive than they brag about. "Oh, I've got a tiny vagina me." "Yeah well I've got a microvagdge." "Yeah, well that's nothing. My vagina barely exists, it's like a tiny crease in a linen shirt." When actually we all know that most of them have humongous cavernous vaginas that no-one with our perfectly well shaped, well proportioned penises could fill.

And no, woman, for the record, I didn't come to quick. I'm just punctual. And busy. Perhaps next time you might make the effort to climax more promptly, as I have.

2009-12-04T17:30:00.000-08:00

I've been asked to write a prequel to the hit comedy movie Look Who's Talking. It's going to be called Look That's Never Happened To Me Before, No Really, Don't Look At Me Like That I Was Just A Little Nervous.

2009-11-30T14:28:00.001-08:00

There's always a whole bunch of singles released round this time of year, aiming to be Xmas number one. I call this genre-blip 'SproutRock'.

2009-11-28T23:23:00.000-08:00

I just saw some guy get the shit beat out of him by a proctologist. Grisly.

2009-11-26T20:39:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, I always objectify my memories. I'm a reifvisionist.

Marxist joke there for you.

2009-11-26T19:54:00.000-08:00

I think it'd be very poor if everyone in the club got tipsy. The waitresses would drop your drinks for a start ...

2009-11-26T19:23:00.000-08:00

Periodization is dead. Long live post-periodization.

Please note, this is not a mensturation joke. I been gettin' mah learn on.

2009-11-26T18:29:00.000-08:00

New Game: Farmville Zimbabwe!

2009-11-26T18:01:00.000-08:00

WORD NEWS JUST IN:

Kryptofacists do not come from the planet Krypton. Geiger's Alien does not have a more famous pop-singing sister called Lily Alien. Thermostat is no quicker than a normal thermos.

2009-11-24T18:23:00.001-08:00

If Mrs Gary was an actor, she'd be Queefer Sutherland. Of course, Mrs Gary is technically a female. Perhaps Queen LaQueefah would be more appropriate.

2009-11-18T16:37:00.001-08:00

I once had sex with Scott Baio. All the way through he made me call him 'Arthur'. I was okay with that until he screamed 'Harder, Marion. Harder!'

Don't ever fuck Scott Baio. Seriously.

2009-11-18T16:12:00.000-08:00

I've seen a lot of genre movies recently. Torture-porn. Apocalypse-porn. I still think fucking-porn is my favourite though.

esoteric literary quip #1

2009-11-07T11:54:00.000-08:00

I've been busy writing guys. I'm doing a book-to-screen adaptation of the Voynich manuscript.

2009-11-03T18:37:00.000-08:00

Mrs Gary & I recently became parents to a newt. Mrs Gary wants to call him Nugent. Nugent the Newt.

I'm very concerned about his diet. He can't get all his newtrition from Cadbury's Fruit & Newt bars, or Newtragrain bars. He needs to be spreading something healthier on his toast than Newtella Chocolate Spread. Because I'm hoping he'll go to a good school. There is one nearby, a good Catholic school. But I want him to learn more than just the Newt Testament. Like Newtonian physics, for a start. Though I do wonder that having him in such a newtorious single sex school will stunt his social growth. I don't want to see him socially newt-erd. But then again I'd hate to see him end up gullibly swallowing every word he reads in the Newt Statesman.

But who am I to worry? I'm a newtoriously bad judge of character.

2009-10-29T14:28:00.000-07:00

I'm so dumb I thought Analplasia was a pop star. It's not. That's Shakira.

2009-10-28T19:02:00.000-07:00

I like my tattoo joke best. I might get a picture of it tattooed on my tattoo.

2009-10-28T18:13:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend is a spa therapist. She specializes in hair removal. Her van is tiny.

Her favourite singer songwriter is Burt Backsackacrack.

a very very very minor point

2009-10-28T18:08:00.000-07:00

I should point out that ALL of the content on this blog is entirely original.

Apart from the words, which belong to the English language. I can't claim to have come up with that. But the particular sequence of phonemes into words into phrases into sentences, is all my own doing. Sorry. I should also point out that even though I am a massive geek, only about 50% of my lame 'jokes' are on the internet.

The rest are on floppy disk.

MOMMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT!

*this post substituted for a joke*

2009-10-28T11:11:00.000-07:00

It must be weird working for the British National Party. Like, when you apply, do you still have to fill out one of those Equality & Diversity Monitoring forms?

HTC advert

2009-10-28T08:59:00.000-07:00

It's the first thing you see in the morning, it's the last thing you see at night. It stresses you out, it calms you down. It helps you remember, it helps you forget. It keeps you connected. It's the only thing you own which is always within arms reach. Which is why you don't need to get a phone ... you've got a penis.

2009-10-28T07:35:00.000-07:00

I just invented a tiny replica mouse for kids to play with. I'm gunna call it a 'Wendy Mouse'.

2009-10-28T07:32:00.000-07:00

So I'll be asleep and then BOOM! I just wake up, just like that! I call it wakeolepsy.

2009-10-28T07:31:00.002-07:00

I smelled your mum's fanny, smelled like a chemistry set had died up there.

2009-10-28T07:31:00.001-07:00

Jesus saves, but you should probably still phone for an ambulance too.

2009-10-28T07:29:00.000-07:00

the cuticle is that lovely little piece of skin surrounding the finger nailicle.

2009-10-27T23:38:00.001-07:00

So I disrobed. Then I thought man, don't hate the robe, hate the game.

2009-10-27T23:17:00.001-07:00

Maison D'etre = a reason for staying in

2009-10-27T23:06:00.000-07:00

So I wanted to be a bit different from all those dudes who thought it'd be cool to just get the word 'tattoo' tattooed on themselves, so instead I just got a tattoo of a picture of a tattoo.

2009-10-27T23:03:00.000-07:00

I'm at the Burger King. I'm at the car-park just outside Burger King. I'm at the combination Burger King car-park just outside Burger King.

2009-10-27T22:54:00.000-07:00

I wasn't so sure about anal beads, so I just got anal braids instead.

2009-10-27T22:35:00.000-07:00

Dude's so old his hotmail login is just his first name.

Fuckin' Anandashpinaweerani, the old jerk.

2009-10-27T21:56:00.000-07:00

Do the BNP have 'casual racism Fridays'?

2009-10-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

favourite new euphemism for vagina: 'glory patch'

does it require raking and hoeing?

2009-10-27T20:40:00.000-07:00

Jerry Seinfeld is a Scientologist? What's the deal with that, Jerry?

and then there's this ...

2009-10-27T13:01:00.000-07:00

Here's something else I wrote relatively recently:

A Confession

Interior, The Kitchen, Day

The kitchen is bright and airy and middle class. Jeff, a husband and father, sits at the kitchen table wearing his car-coat and Christmas sweater. He has been crying. His friend and neighbour, Bill, sits opposite him. Bill looks at Jeff with sympathy and concern.

Jeff: (sobbing mildly) ... and it'd been a long time since we'd been, y'know ... physically intimate ... so when she came in ... dressed like that ... I thought ... I thought she wanted to ... I thought maybe she wanted to again ... you know? ... I thought it was her way of putting the spark back in ... back into things ... you know? ... we used to do things ... like, I'd bathe her ... or rub sensual oils into her soft skin ... or we'd just lie together ... you know? naked ... close ... my arms round her soft warm body ... and I just thought maybe ... she wanted that ... again ... I hoped so much ... and when she came in today, you know? In that naughty uniform ... I just ... but she didn't ... she didn't want me to touch her ...

Jeff sobbing breaks into a heavy crying jag. Bill reaches across the table and puts a hand on Jeff's arm.

Bill: Jeff ... Jeff ... Jeff ... she's your daughter Jeff ... (pause) ... look, maybe Muriel should do the school run from now on.

Just to please Steve ...

2009-10-27T12:15:00.001-07:00

So I got tired of writing my sitcom about Jesus. Basically I realized I'd written a tonne of stuff that was just Jesus and John The Baptist shouting inanities at one another - eg, Jesus, upon banging his thumb with a hammer: "Shit, I fucking hate carpentry. Little help?" John: "I'm not Holby City you know." - terrible stuff, truly terrible.

I decided instead to write something 'normal' in a more domestic setting, ripping off bits of real life etc etc ... it's turning out all very How Not To Live or whatever that show is. Sorry! It's basically 'Untitled Almost True Life Sitcom #1'. The central character is basically me, and the many many ways I've found to fuck up etc. Anyway, in this scene, the central characters sister, Maddy, has come over to visit. There's also mention of the central characters girlfriend, Louise. So now you know, put your laughing socks on and read ahead.

Living room. Day.

Gary is off-screen, making a cup of tea in the kitchen. Maddy is pottering about the living room. She noses around Gary's newest item of furniture, a computer desk.

Gary (off screen): Hey? I said …

Gary wanders in to the living room, a tea spoon in his hand. Maddy has just opened a drawer set below the computer desk.

Gary: Have you been going through my stuff?

Maddy doesn't look round. She fishes something out of the open drawer. She looks a little disgusted. We see that she's found a pornographic DVD.

Maddy: Honestly. In the living room?

Gary: …

Maddy: What if I'd have brought the kids?

Gary: Well … I wasn't going to put it on for them. I've got Finding Nemo. Anyway, you … you don't just go through people's stuff like that.

Gary crosses the room to Maddy.

Maddy: You don't keep Interracial Ass Stretchers 3 in your living room either!

Maddy brandishes the DVD case in Gary's face.

Gary: The living room is where the DVD player is!

Maddy: What if I'd brought the kids though?

Gary offers a weak shrug.

Maddy: I'm going to tell Mum.

Gary: Oh fucking do it. She's in it!

Maddy: Oh, I'm definitely going to tell her!

Gary: As if she'd be bothered by half-a-dozen dvds. Dad had way more than that.

Maddy: Urgh! He was married!

Gary: That's probably why he had so much porn.

Maddy reflects, she sees the sense of it. Then she double-takes.

Maddy: Wait, did you say half-a-dozen?

Gary's eyes widen, he is worried. Maddy rummages through the drawer.

Maddy:There's only two here.

Gary joins Maddy is rummaging through the drawer, also opening other drawers. He pulls out three more DVD cases, relieved for a second ... but only a second.

Gary: Shit, where's High School Whores 4?

Gary begins again to rummage in the drawers.

Maddy: Surely that isn't even legal?

Gary spins, turning toward the television set in the corner.

Gary: They're not really ... ah!

Slow pan over to the television. The High School Whores DVD is on top of the television. It can clearly be seen from the window.

Exterior, Front Of Gary's House, Day

Through the window, the High School Whores 4 DVD can clearly be seen. Gary can be seen scuttling over to the DVD case and whisking it away.

Interior, Living Room, Day

Maddy: (sarcastic) Oh, they're not really whores?

Gary: No … it's not like … I told her to put it back where … we only watched it because she's in it.

Maddy: What if I'd brought the kids though ... she? Lou ... really?

Gary nods. Maddy is actually kind of impressed. Gary puts the DVD case back in the drawer and closes it.

Gary: Oh yeah. Two scenes. I didn't want to watch it at first, you know, it's a bit intimidating. Like what if she's you know, more in to it on screen.

Maddy: What if she sounds the same faking it on screen as she does when she's with you?

Gary: Yeah. Or even what if the guys are bigger than me? … But they're not, thank god.

Maddy: Yeah, I don't need to know about yours …

Interior, Living Room, Day

A little later. Both Gary and Maddy are the on settee watching television. Loud pornographic noises can be heard.

Maddy: (tilting her head slightly) Oh I like that tattoo.

Gary: I know, it's nice isn't it.

Maddy: Yeah, ask her where she got it done for me ...

2009-10-26T22:01:00.000-07:00

Historically speaking, Hitler was a monster. Prehistorically speaking, velociraptors were monsters.

Posthistorically? Velocihitler.

Oh, and the old blogs, they will have no shoes

2009-10-26T21:47:00.000-07:00

and obviously, this - http://taylor-bell.blogspot.com/ & this - http://reneezellweger.livejournal.com/ are like well dead and that innit. Here is where I am, here and on faceface.

So, new blog etc etc

2009-10-26T21:42:00.000-07:00

Okay so I just found out I can piss into the toilet whilst technically still being stood in the living room. And if I can achieve that, I can achieve anything!

I want to be the first man to take a piss on the moon. I mean, actually ON the moon. Like, on to it's cheesy surface.

I WILL ACHIEVE!