I've got this joke I like to tell in Wigan.

It begins when I tell how I went to the bookstore and went to look at the Eng ...

Well, first I have to explain what books are.

Now a few people are normally sharp enough to keep up here. They've seen that episode of Hollyoaks where a character reads a book.

For the rest, I need to go into a bit more detail. Like I'm wikipedia.

"No, you know love, you know ... they come on paper?"

Now she thinks I'm talking about some obscure Japanese perversion.

Paper! Like ... remember when you got a bill from United Utilities? Remember that? And you looked at it, and then thought 'fuck this, Last Orders is open?'

Yeah. Paper. So that's the format in which books normally come. No. Not cum. Come. Get your head out the gutter.

Anyway, so I tell this joke in Wigan about how I went to the book shop ... ah fuck it I'd have lost them long before now ... a joke about English literature, in Wigan? Does it end 'Get out, you're Bard?'

Anyway, this joke, it's about books they're like fillums only etched on to treated tree bark and quiet. Well, no, not etched, but Christ I don't know how to explain the phenomenon of laser printing to a Wiganner ...

Anyway, the joke is ... it's not even worth giving it a set-up now. The joke is ... the joke is ... we're in England, in a shop that exclusively sells literature, and, get this, this is the joke, here's the punch line, here it is, it's coming, not long now, thanks for your patience, you've been a wonderful reader, thanks etc, drive careful, visit Moe's, you've been great ... they have a shelf specifically for English literature.

I'm here all week.

No-one else would fucking have me, would they?