I like big butts, but sometimes the other monks accuse me of lying.

I like to think of Facebook as being the pornhub of acquaintanceship.

I've been looking up how much you can make doing porn, for a guy. Doing guy on girl pays okay, if you can get it. Doing guy on guy pays better. Okay. Guy on internet though, that pays fuck all.

And you need to get more virus checks, too.

I'm beginning an internet campaign to let me fuck who I want to.

new record breaking porn sensation, Doris McSquirter.

My worst ever sexual experience was this one time when this chick bit me on the hand during sex.

Though to be fair, I was raping her a bit hard.

I panicked last night. I was going down on Mrs Gary, and my tongue got caught in one of her genital piercings. I ended up in a right flap.

On Male Sexual Performance Anxiety

Has any woman ever received a spam email offering to make their vagina smaller? Because maybe that's the problem. I'm not to small. You're too big. Haven't you noticed that most women's vaginas are far more massive than they brag about. "Oh, I've got a tiny vagina me." "Yeah well I've got a microvagdge." "Yeah, well that's nothing. My vagina barely exists, it's like a tiny crease in a linen shirt." When actually we all know that most of them have humongous cavernous vaginas that no-one with our perfectly well shaped, well proportioned penises could fill.

And no, woman, for the record, I didn't come to quick. I'm just punctual. And busy. Perhaps next time you might make the effort to climax more promptly, as I have.

I've been asked to write a prequel to the hit comedy movie Look Who's Talking. It's going to be called Look That's Never Happened To Me Before, No Really, Don't Look At Me Like That I Was Just A Little Nervous.