Mrs Gary & I recently became parents to a newt. Mrs Gary wants to call him Nugent. Nugent the Newt.

I'm very concerned about his diet. He can't get all his newtrition from Cadbury's Fruit & Newt bars, or Newtragrain bars. He needs to be spreading something healthier on his toast than Newtella Chocolate Spread. Because I'm hoping he'll go to a good school. There is one nearby, a good Catholic school. But I want him to learn more than just the Newt Testament. Like Newtonian physics, for a start. Though I do wonder that having him in such a newtorious single sex school will stunt his social growth. I don't want to see him socially newt-erd. But then again I'd hate to see him end up gullibly swallowing every word he reads in the Newt Statesman.

But who am I to worry? I'm a newtoriously bad judge of character.