So I got tired of writing my sitcom about Jesus. Basically I realized I'd written a tonne of stuff that was just Jesus and John The Baptist shouting inanities at one another - eg, Jesus, upon banging his thumb with a hammer: "Shit, I fucking hate carpentry. Little help?" John: "I'm not Holby City you know." - terrible stuff, truly terrible.
I decided instead to write something 'normal' in a more domestic setting, ripping off bits of real life etc etc ... it's turning out all very How Not To Live or whatever that show is. Sorry! It's basically 'Untitled Almost True Life Sitcom #1'. The central character is basically me, and the many many ways I've found to fuck up etc. Anyway, in this scene, the central characters sister, Maddy, has come over to visit. There's also mention of the central characters girlfriend, Louise. So now you know, put your laughing socks on and read ahead.
Living room. Day.
Gary is off-screen, making a cup of tea in the kitchen. Maddy is pottering about the living room. She noses around Gary's newest item of furniture, a computer desk.
Gary (off screen): Hey? I said …
Gary wanders in to the living room, a tea spoon in his hand. Maddy has just opened a drawer set below the computer desk.
Gary: Have you been going through my stuff?
Maddy doesn't look round. She fishes something out of the open drawer. She looks a little disgusted. We see that she's found a pornographic DVD.
Maddy: Honestly. In the living room?
Gary: …
Maddy: What if I'd have brought the kids?
Gary: Well … I wasn't going to put it on for them. I've got Finding Nemo. Anyway, you … you don't just go through people's stuff like that.
Gary crosses the room to Maddy.
Maddy: You don't keep Interracial Ass Stretchers 3 in your living room either!
Maddy brandishes the DVD case in Gary's face.
Gary: The living room is where the DVD player is!
Maddy: What if I'd brought the kids though?
Gary offers a weak shrug.
Maddy: I'm going to tell Mum.
Gary: Oh fucking do it. She's in it!
Maddy: Oh, I'm definitely going to tell her!
Gary: As if she'd be bothered by half-a-dozen dvds. Dad had way more than that.
Maddy: Urgh! He was married!
Gary: That's probably why he had so much porn.
Maddy reflects, she sees the sense of it. Then she double-takes.
Maddy: Wait, did you say half-a-dozen?
Gary's eyes widen, he is worried. Maddy rummages through the drawer.
Maddy:There's only two here.
Gary joins Maddy is rummaging through the drawer, also opening other drawers. He pulls out three more DVD cases, relieved for a second ... but only a second.
Gary: Shit, where's High School Whores 4?
Gary begins again to rummage in the drawers.
Maddy: Surely that isn't even legal?
Gary spins, turning toward the television set in the corner.
Gary: They're not really ... ah!
Slow pan over to the television. The High School Whores DVD is on top of the television. It can clearly be seen from the window.
Exterior, Front Of Gary's House, Day
Through the window, the High School Whores 4 DVD can clearly be seen. Gary can be seen scuttling over to the DVD case and whisking it away.
Interior, Living Room, Day
Maddy: (sarcastic) Oh, they're not really whores?
Maddy: What if I'd brought the kids though ... she? Lou ... really?
Gary nods. Maddy is actually kind of impressed. Gary puts the DVD case back in the drawer and closes it.
Gary: Oh yeah. Two scenes. I didn't want to watch it at first, you know, it's a bit intimidating. Like what if she's you know, more in to it on screen.
Maddy: What if she sounds the same faking it on screen as she does when she's with you?
Gary: Yeah. Or even what if the guys are bigger than me? … But they're not, thank god.
Maddy: Yeah, I don't need to know about yours …
Interior, Living Room, Day
A little later. Both Gary and Maddy are the on settee watching television. Loud pornographic noises can be heard.
Maddy: (tilting her head slightly) Oh I like that tattoo.
Gary: I know, it's nice isn't it.
Maddy: Yeah, ask her where she got it done for me ...
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